How do you do fellow kids?
by oldfashionedhand
Summary: Mercury and Emerald attempt to talk to their boss about why her choice of disguise may not have been the best idea.


_All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

* * *

Mercury was no stranger to clandestine meetings. As part of Cinder's inner circle he was a veteran of nebulous plots, murky conspiracies and black intrigues. Usually such gatherings were held in the dark corners of Remnant - abandoned warehouses left to rot; dingy cellars with flickering, dying lights; decrepit ruins, long forgotten. Always somewhere where the shadows were hard to shake and the air was thick with whispered secrets.

A storage cupboard, however, was new.

Today's meeting would also hold the record for lowest attendance. The only other person present was his partner, Emerald. The green-haired girl was standing, agitated, in the middle of the room. Her arms were awkwardly wrapped around a large plastic bag.

Mercury wasn't shocked Adam wasn't here, the Faunus leader rarely showed his horns, and Torchwick was still enjoying Atlas' gentle hospitality, but Cinder's absence did surprise him. She had never missed a single one of their meetings before.

Mercury wasn't an idiot. In normal circumstances, he could make several guesses why a girl might want to invite a guy like him to a closet. Except this was Emerald, which meant the most likely reason she'd lured him here alone was so she had somewhere quiet to dispose of his body.

Sometimes, though, he just he couldn't help himself. "A broom closet?" He whistled in appreciation. "I knew you couldn't resist me, Emerald, but I didn't think you were that desperate to get me alone."

"Cut the crap, Mercury, and close the door already." Mercury frowned, but he did what he was told, pride taking a back-seat to survival. Emerald's eyes, normally a dull crimson, were shining in the darkness as brightly as freshly cut blood. Ignoring her in her current mood would have done very little for his future well-being.

"Okay, there. The door is shut. Do you wanna tell me what's going on? Where's Cinder?"

Emerald bit her lip. "Its Cinder we need to talk about."

Mercury was about to make another snide remark, but something in Emerarld's tone stopped him. She sounded worried. Worse, it was affecting her badly enough she wasn't trying to hide it from him. "What's happened? Do Ironwood or Ozpin suspect something? Is she hurt?"

"Its worse." She reached into the bag and pulled out a beige leather jacket and grey trousers, pressing the offending articles almost into Mercury's face. "Can you believe she's actually going to wear this?" Emerald wailed.

Mercury examined the clothes for a moment, then reached for the door handle.

"Where are you going?" Emerald hissed.

"Back to my room to read comics. I was halfway through the third issue of Xray and Vav."

"But this is a crisis. Cinder needs our help!"

"Emerald, this-" Mercury gestured at the offending articles of clothing "-is not a crisis. I admit, I thought the boss had better taste, but Remnant will keep spinning if Cinder Fall steps out the door for one day without looking like the front cover of a fashion magazine."

"Will you shut up and listen. What she's wearing isn't the issue. Well, it is a little, because this outfit is hideous," Emerald said flatly. "The problem is she's wearing it to the tournament."

Mercury frowned, then comprehension broke through and his already pale face lost all colour. "Oh no," he said quietly.

"Oh, yes."

"I thought we fixed this," Mercury groaned. "We talked her round."

"Only in the short term! She always meant to attend the tournament."

"I know. Crap. Crap. _Crap_." Mercury paced up and down as best as he could within the confines of the closet, hand running through his silver hair as he rapidly tried to formulate a plan. His eyes fell back on the offending articles in Emerald's hands. Inspiration struck. "Burn it," he said grimly

"Wha-what?"

"Burn it. Rip it into pieces. Throw it in the nearest incinerator you can find. If she doesn't have that outfit, maybe she'll skip the first round of the tournament. Then, if we can convince her not to take part in the doubles, we can keep her clear of the whole event."

"N-no," Emerald clutched the outfit close to her chest. "It belongs to Cinder. We can't just throw it away."

"You said it was hideous." Mercury grabbed the trailing end of the trousers and tried to drag them out of Emerald's hands.

Emerald pulled back "Yes, but it belongs to Cinder!"

"Its. For. The. Greater. Good." Mercury huffed.

"You know it breaks my heart when the two of you fight like this," a horribly familiar voice spoke.

The doors of the storage cupboard had been flung open. Framed in the threshold was Cinder Fall. Her golden eyes touched on Emerald, then Mercury, before finally settling on the clothes stretched taut between the two of them. A trouser leg slipped through Mercury's nerveless fingers and flopped limply onto the floor.

Cinder arched an eyebrow. "Mercury. Emerald. I like to think I'm an easy going boss, but I do have limits. Why are you stealing my clothes?"

Mercury chanced a glance at Emerald. His partner was staring blankly at Cinder. She seemed to be trying to form words, but so far had only succeeded in producing a sort of sputtering noise. It looked like he was on his own. "We didn't steal them. We thought they looked dirty so we went to wash them. Emerald thought they should go in at 130 degrees, but I was sure they would wash better at 90. That's when we started fighting."

"I see. So when I heard you cry out 'Burn it' that was because..."

Mercury gulped. "Because if we had put them in at 130 degrees, like Emerald wanted, they would have burned."

"Of course," Cinder purred. "And I'm sure the reason you then said 'rip it into pieces' was because you were concerned the spin cycle was set too high."

Mercury licked his dry lips "Yes..?" he ventured.

"That will be all, Mercury. How about you, Emerald? Do you have anything to tell me?"

"I'm so sorry we stole your stuff and tried to stop you entering the tournament," Emerald said in one quick breath.

"I shoulda known you'd break," Mercury muttered.

Emerald wasn't finished though. She pointed an accusatory finger at him. "And it was all his idea. Please don't be mad," she begged.

Mercury rounded on Emerald. "Seriously?"

There was a shift in the air. One moment it was cool and still, the next it was hot and dry to the point of choking. His view of Cinder became distorted, the air around her shimmering like tarmac on a hot day. Her hands were clenched, and while the flames were yet to come, a thin trail of smoke drifted up from closed fist.

"Why would I be possibly be angry?" Cinder asked softly. "I've only spent the majority of my adult life preparing for this day; enduring years in the cold and shadows before I even pulled the two of you from the gutter; making sacrifices with a price you couldn't even begin to imagine. Why then would I be angry when, after all that - on the eve of my triumph - I find myself sabotaged by those I had set at my right hand." Cinder stepped forward, the fire igniting in her hands, "No. I'm not angry, Emerald. I am _disappointed_. But before I reduce your bones to tar you will answer me one question – why?"

"You're thirty-five," Mercury blurted out. Emerald gasped.

Cinder's eyes narrowed. "I see. You believed my time is already past. That now is the hour for callow youth to seize the throne built by wisdom and experience. I always knew you were an arrogant boy, but I didn't think you were stupid."

"No...just..." Mercury tried to back away from Cinder, but he only managed half a step before he ran into a wall. If he managed to live through today Mercury resolved this would be the last time he ever met anyone in a storage cupboard. Seconds from immolation, and suddenly aware whatever he said he couldn't possibly make his situation worse, he steeled himself to release the words which had been poised on his tongue from the first day he'd stepped into Beacon Academy. "You're thirty-five and the cover story you picked is you're a seventeen-year-old student huntress. Its the worst disguise ever. What were you thinking?"

Cinder stopped. The flames in her hands had not gone out, but the air had become breathable again. "Amity Colosseum is the apex of our entire operation. It is here the first blow of the war will be struck. How could I not attend?"

"Yeah, its a big deal. But why do _you_ need to participate. I thought signing up for the Vytal tournament was just our door into the Colosseum. If you'd pretended to be our teacher you would have gotten the same access as us. Why not do that instead of dressing up in a school uniform and pretending you're still not old enough to buy booze. Its a completely pointless risk."

Cinder paused, long enough for the fire she'd conjured to die away. "All that should concern you is that I have stated I will attend," she said, a little too fast to achieve the haughty coldness she seemed to be aiming towards. "Anything else is immaterial. I don't expect you to understand the subtleties or scope of my grand design, Mercury."

"But can't you share a little bit of that grand design with us?" Mercury pleaded.

Cinder's silence was the only reply he needed.

"Figures," Mercury muttered.

"Oh, Mercury, you'll know what you need-"

"When I need to know." Mercury finished. " _I know_. Can you at least tell us how you're going to stop anyone from asking why you didn't graduate about two decades ago?"

"Please, none of these half-wits will -"

"Yes, they will." Then realising who he'd just interrupted, Mercury added, "Ma'am."

Cinder's eyes lingered on him a few moments past comfortable, and while the flames were gone, the idea of fire was very much present. Apparently satisfied he was sufficiently cowed, Cinder turned to his partner. "Emerald. I know my faith in you is not misplaced." Cinder traced a pale hand across Emerald's cheek. "You don't doubt me, do you, dear girl?"

"Ummm," said Emerald eloquently. "Ahhh," she continued.

"That doesn't sound like 'Yes Cinder, you've never once led us wrong before, I trust you implicitly' to me, Emerald."

"Its just.."

"Its just...?"

"Its just...he does have a point," Emerald said quietly seeming to have found her voice at last. "I mean, I'm twenty-one and Mercury's twenty-two and we're already pushing it. I've only managed to throw them off the scent so far by telling everyone he got held back a couple of years on account of being a miserable failure."

"Thanks, Emerald," Mercury ground out. "You shouldn't have."

"Always a pleasure," Emerald said cheerfully. "And Cinder, you're even olde-" She paused, realising she was not being as tactful as she might have been. "– I mean you're different from us. You have an air of maturity and sophistication which is impossible to conceal."

"She means you're too old," Mercury said.

"I know it may not seem that way to you now, but thirty-five is not that old," Cinder protested.

"Sure. Speaking in general terms its a nice age. Right, Emerald?" Mercury said

"Its perfect," Emerald said.

"Yeah, what she said. But - and please, please tell me you're coming with me on this point - I think we can all agree 35 is definitely too old to be walking about pretending to be an academy senior. Or in your case - because I'm thinking letting you fill in your own application form was probably a mistake - a freshman."

Cinder crossed her arms. "The two of you are simply being difficult. My disguise has worked perfectly. None of Ironwood's tin soldiers or Ozpin's pets suspect a thing."

"Only because we've kept you of classes," Mercury shot back.

"You. Did. _What!?_ "

"Oh crap," whispered Mercury.

"Well done, blabbermouth," Emerald said angrily. "Two months of hard work gone to dust."

"I demand you tell me-"

"Oh crap," Mercury repeated.

"I can't believe you just gave it away"

"Will you be quiet and-" Cinder tried again.

"When are you going to learn to keep your big mouth shut-"

The entire cupboard was suddenly backlit with searing light as the fire reignited in Cinder's hand.

"Oh crap," Mercury whimpered.

"Explain. _Now!_ " Cinder snarled.

Mercury's mouth flapped open and shut a couple of times, but his words were stuck in his throat. Luckily, this time Emerald came to his rescue. "Well, err, Cinder, you know when we told you you shouldn't go to class because such tiresome reconnaissance wasn't worthy of your time and should be left to lowly grunts like us."

"I was so happy you were finally recognising your place in my organisation," Cinder said with a wistful smile

Emerald winced, but persevered bravely. "It was really so you'd stay in your room and wouldn't run into anyone who might uncover your true identity."

Cinder scoffed. "Like who?"

"Anyone with a working pair of eyes?" Mercury suggested. Judging by Cinder's glare, it was probably the wrong thing to say, but he'd had so many close brushes to death in the last few minutes he wasn't sure how much he cared anymore. "Why else, when you insisted on wearing a school uniform, would we have smuggled you into the dorms at two o'clock in the morning? Even then, we got lucky that snot-nosed kid in the red cloak was the only one who saw us. I don't think she's the sharpest knife in the draw. I'm still amazed she didn't recognise you when you broke into the CCT tower with just a mask over your eyes..."

"And why do you think we did all your shopping, laundry and homework for you so you never had to leave your room once?" Emerald chipped in. Cinder opened her mouth and Emerald held up a hand. "Actually, please don't answer that one. I don't think my dignity can take it," she finished sadly.

"While you concern is touching, it is unnecessary. The two of you had no right to interfere in my plans. None. Besides," Cinder added defensively, "I mingled with the students before at the ball and I wasn't discovered."

"That's because no-one noticed who you were," Mercury pointed out.

"Exactly," Cinder said smugly.

"No, I mean, nobody realised you were a student."

Cinder rolled her eyes. "Child, you are being absurd."

"Am I? Cinder, Goodwitch spent forty-five minutes with you discussing Azulon's universal theory of Dust crystallisation before Ironwood dragged her away. That's post-graduate level stuff."

"She clearly recognised my brilliance."

"One of the guards with that redhead from Atlas was hitting on you for most of the evening," Emerald said.

"Highly inappropriate for a man his age to be fraternising with a student. I had a good mind to report him."

Mercury was almost tearing his hair out with frustration. "You've got ten years on him at least! All the other student's kept on calling you ma'am."

"They were showing an appropriate level of respect. An example the two of you could learn from."

"That Jaune kid accidentally called you 'Mum'!" Emerald said desperately.

This seemed to give Cinder pause. She sighed. "I miss the old days when you two used to cower in terror at my approach. You'd never question me so brazenly back then. Very well, if it will set your minds at ease, I will explain how I plan to conceal myself at the tournament."

"Thank you," said Mercury.

"Please, that's all we wanted," said Emerald.

"Emerald, could you pass me my clothes." Emerald gave the bundle to Cinder, who lovingly took out the jacket and trousers, then held them up against herself. "There. Isn't it just perfect."

"I...I don't think I'm quite seeing it," Mercury said, as diplomatically as he could manage.

"Really, Mercury, am I going to have to spoon-feed everything to you today? There was a glimmer of truth to what Emerald said before. My attire at the ball was too sophisticated and mature for an uncouth Mistral youth. Something like this though," Cinder shook the jacket and trousers for effect. "No self-respecting adult would ever be caught wearing clothes so edgy and extreme. This outfit is totally wizard."

Mercury cringed so hard he shuddered. Even Emerald flinched. "Umm...Cinder," she said delicately. "I don't think anyone uses the word 'wizard' anymore to describe things which are cool."

"I'm fairy sure they didn't use it back then either," Mercury muttered.

"Also, that plan...is kinda...sorta..." Emerald took a deep breath. "Its the worst plan I've ever heard. And I spend most of my time with Mercury."

"She's right. Its awful," said Mercury. "And Emerald, how about you go fu-"

"Enough!" Cinder's eyes were cold. "You seem to be labouring under the illusion my decisions are a matter of debate. I have invited you into my confidence as a sign of my faith, and how do you choose to repay me, you ungrateful brats? With mockery and ridicule. I should have known it was too early. You still lack vision. Return to your rooms and prepare yourselves. I except both of you to be up at seven o'clock sharp tomorrow for our first match of the tournament, where we will _all_ be participating." With that Cinder spun on her glass heels and left them, clothes clutched tightly to her chest.

"We are so screwed," Mercury said, after she was gone.

"Maybe not. I have an idea," Emerald said. She cast a furtive glance to make sure Cinder wasn't lurking in the corridor, then whispered her plan into Mercury's ear.

Mercury frowned thoughtfully. "You know...that might actually work. If Cinder finds out though..."

"Its for the greater good," Emerald said grimly.

* * *

 **The next day**

They were browsing the stalls when Ruby found them. Dressed in her usual red cape she bounded over to their group with so much energy it was tiring to watch. Cinder greeted her with a dazzling smile which set Mercury's teeth on edge.

"Ruby. How wonderful to see you," Cinder said warmly.

"Hi, Cinder. I saw your match. It was soo amazing. You were like _wachaaa_ ," Ruby's legs flailed in an approximation of Cinder's high kicks. "And I love your outfit too. Its totally wizard! Have you ever considered getting a cape?"

"Thank you, that's very kind of you to say so." The warmth in Cinder's voice no longer seemed entirely unfeigned. She smirked at Mercury and Emerald. "I'm glad _somebody_ appreciates it."

Mercury rolled his eyes but restrained himself from responding. He suddenly saw Ruby glance back at him. Her voice lowered to a sympathetic whisper as she said to Cinder. "So, I heard from Emerald, how long did you get held back?"

And for the first time in two days, Mercury smiled.


End file.
